Squeaky Clean Florescent Lights
by Mallovoriel
Summary: A not-so-true story to be enjoyed by the whole family (and when we say “whole” we mean “only those who can appreciate the slappingness of it all and can read in general”). Reviewers claim that it is a “slaptastic” story and wish to have more.
1. Meet Gerdy

Disclaimer: I own nothing of value here unless you want Gerdy and some strangers; but they aren't very interesting, except for Gerdy, who is a little strange. Why he isn't a stranger? We shall never know.

Chapter 1

Warning: Please, beware of the AU and OOCness of it all. Complete and utter insanity I know, this is what happens when you leave me (I happen to be perfectly sane by the way) and my completely insane friend alone for more than a day.

SLAP

"My husband just died you jerk!" said Samantha vehemently at the man who had previously been gripping her arm.

"I know but I need you to come with me." Said the strange person dressed in black (who shall from this point on known as stranger 1).

SLAP

"NO!" yelled Samantha, making him back further and further towards his ugly gray and rusted van. Slapping him in-amidst various comments from both sides (you must understand she's in mourning or she probably could've kicked his butt.). All the while with her baby, Daniel, giggling happily at the sight.

Once she had backed him into the van he did something she never would've expected. He grabbed her upper arm and thigh so that he could toss her into the back of the van that was opened by stranger 2. Suddenly the baby started wailing, "Sorry about having to be so rough with you, we had hoped you'd come quietly," said the driver.

SLAP

"My baby! My baby!"

"Somebody go do somethin' about that kid would ya!" shouted stranger 1.

SLAP

"Don't you touch him!" yelled Sam.

"Don't worry he'll be—" said stranger 3 but was cut off when she hit him.

SLAP

"Can we put her in handcuffs now?" asked stranger 1, having taken most of the hits.

"No," said the driver, "we've already been more brutal with her than we were supposed to be."

"Give me my baby! Where's my baby?!" Said Sam vehemently.

"Your baby will dropped at a daycare and be well taken care of until you return."

With that said, the driver took off at the speed of light, literally.

SLAP

"Where are you taking me?"

"Not here. Not now. There may be spies." Said stranger 3.

SLAP

"You, driver, where are you taking me?! And why is he the only one dressed up?!"

Seated in the van were five men two in the front separated by Plexiglas, they were the driver and the man in the tuxedo. The other three were strangers 1-3, stranger 1 was sitting to her right guarding the door, stranger 2 was on her left, and stranger 3 was closest to the driver and out of slapping range.

As they continued on their way to 'headquarters' she preceded slap the man guarding the door at every stop. Complaining about the rough seats and if they really wanted her help they should treat her better.

"I will ask you again where are we going?" she demanded of stranger 2, who happened to be mute. When he didn't answer her...

SLAP

Stranger 2 then glared at stranger 3 who was laughing oh so giddily. But since he had looked away he didn't notice her hand flying towards his face in utter fury for ignoring her question.

SLAP

Finally they managed to get close enough, without getting slapped mind you, to give her a sedative.

When she finally awoke from her forced slumber, she slowly began to come to her senses. First thing she noticed was a guy poking her with a poky stick thing, asking her to wake up.

In response to which she promptly slapped him.

SLAP

"Who are you?! Where am I?! Where's my baby?!"

-Oh yeah she's awake- thought her guards as they quickly went over to restrain her, as they awaited 'boss man' to arrive. Of course they did not come out completely unscathed.

SLAPSLAPSLAPSLAPSLAP

"Let me go! I want my baby!" She wailed as 'boss man' came in and instructed them to release her.

"I don't think that'd be such a good idea sir." Said stranger 1.

"Are you contradicting me soldier, I could put you on report for that. Now I said release her."

So they released her promptly backing out of range. She then walked straight up to 'boss man', looked him in the eye and...

SLAP

"WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!?!" and then proceeded to brake down into tears, mumbling incomprehensibly about her baby.

Flashback

She met him on a warm summer's day at the beach. She had been admiring him from afar, when his Frisbee suddenly smacked her in the head. He immediately rushed over to apologize for his friend's incompetence...

-He's going to go to the same high school, and military school, how cool is that- she thought...

She was flattered, even though they went to separate colleges. He never neglected to write her everyday even if the only words on the paper was hi and his name...

She couldn't believe she was so nervous, this was supposed to be the happiest day of her life and here she was seriously considering running away from the altar...

She was gonna KILL him, how could he sit there and tell her it was going to be fine, he wasn't the one sitting there in labor...

She couldn't believe it his injuries weren't even that serious, yet he'd died on the table. They'd cut his windpipe... he'd suffocated... years in the army cheating death around every corner, and the STUPID DOCTOR HAD KILLED HIM...

End Flashback

"I tried to warn you sir, she's been doing that ever since we picked her up."

"Well, did you ever think to just give her the kid?! Your orders were to pick her up and bring her here not traumatize her," he told strangers 1-3, "throw them in the brig for insubordination." He instructed Teal'c, who he lovingly referred to as his goon.

"Get her the kid already would you, Gerdy (aka. Tuxedo man)?" said Jack.

"Of course, sir. Right away, sir." He replied quickly scurrying out of the room.

"I'm sorry about that," he said bending down to Sam's level who was finally calming down a bit, "Samantha isn't it?" she nodded.

"You're the one responsible for all this?" she asked calmly.

"Yes, I'm sorta in charge around here."

"Sorta?"

"Yeah they don't always listen."

"But you ordered them to pick me up?"

"Yeah."

SLAP

"Where's my baby!?"

"This is all one big giant circle isn't it."

Just then in came Gerdy carrying the baby.

"Daniel! My baby!" she ran over quickly snatching him from Gerdy and quickly checking to make sure he wasn't hurt. Seeing that he was okay she began speaking to him in baby talk. "Ooteetee boo boo. Who's the boo boo. Yu voobooboo. A viguboo boo zee boo boo."

To which her surrounding audience responded with a blank stare, while baby Daniel giggled with glee. And that was when she noticed the rather large group of people gaping at her.

"What never seen a mother and her kid before?!" she shouted at them with contempt.

Then just in spite she slapped the closest person to her, which just happened to be Gerdy.

SLAP

Tired of being the center of attention, she stomped out of the room only to get lost minutes later.

After being slapped, Gerdy placed his hand to his pained cheek and swooned.

In response to which he was promptly smacked up side the head by Jack, who then went to find Sam.

After much walking Samantha found a door that said 'Danger Contains Deadly Substances' and thinking –they'll never think to look for me in here-, she threw open the heavy metal door and stepped inside letting it close behind her with a bang.

Mere seconds went by before she heard the sound of the door being opened again. She turned towards the sound with a gasp, nearly knocking over a table with many vials, test tubes, and beakers. Most of which could've killed her and Daniel.

"Watch it!" said Jack reaching quickly to steady the table.

A/N: Complete and utter insanity I know, this is what happens when you leave me (I happen to be perfectly sane by the way) and my completely insane friend alone for more than a day. Please be at least somewhat kind, and if you don't want to me to write anymore just let me know and that's that.


	2. The Horrors of it All

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: So yeah, I don't own them... yet that is... -evil laugh-... but of course Gerdy belongs to ME not that anyone would want him, but if you do, you must ask. I would probably agree, but you know, if he were taken it would be nice to visit him.

Warnings: OOC and AU......... Let's face it there's slapping too. Well, maybe. This is going to be a short one but I promise there will be more as long as I keep getting reviews for it...

The Perfect Chicken: She'll update the next chapter as soon as pie! -wink wink- -hint hint- -nudge nudge- ... You people are so slow... GIVE ME PIE!!! DARN IT!!!

Last time...

Mere seconds went by before she heard the sound of the door being opened again. She turned towards the sound with a gasp, nearly knocking over a table with many vials, test tubes, and beakers. Most of which could've killed her and Daniel.

"Watch it!" said Jack reaching quickly to steady the table.

Now.........

But he hadn't been quick enough, for one measly little test tube had lost its balance and tipped over resulting in a massive explosion. Samantha screamed as loud as her lungs would allow inevitably causing baby Daniel to scream and wail. While Jack ran to her and quickly wrapped his arms around her and her small child before pressing the Handy Dandy S.BOB (Safety Button On Belt) just in time to encase them in a glass-like bubble.

Regretfully it was not enough to protect them from the horrifying sight they now beheld...

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.....................

What will happen next? What was the horrifying sight that they beheld? What does it feel like to be held in Jack's arms? Why was this chapter so short? And last but not least......... What's with questions?!?!


	3. AH!

Chapter 3

A/N: hehe... I know your all probably cursing me for that last ending, so I thought I'd put you out of your misery and tell you what that horrifying sight was... but not just yet –grins evilly-... And your also probably wondering where that incredibly weird new title comes in, but have no fear all will be revealed in due time.

Warnings: OOC and AU......... This is going to be short, but I promise there will be more as long as I keep getting reviews for it...

The Perfect Chicken: Tee Hee Hee......... Pie......... I got a pie......... but mean mishy-mo wouldn't give me the pie until the story was updated......... I hope you're happy! Now gimme pie! ......... I love pie.

Last time...

Regretfully it was not enough to protect them from the horrifying sight they now beheld...

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.....................

And now the moment you've all been waiting for...

"AH!" screamed Samantha as she turned and buried her head into Jacks chest whilst cradling her baby, Daniel. But who could blame her for such an action? The sight she had seen would've killed many a man instantly. A sight so horrifying, so terrible, that she could not even bare herself to think it. Yet she felt extremely comfortable and safe being held in Jack's arms.

Jack's thoughts were along the same line, but if one dared to ask him about it he would deny it. Vehemently he would deny it. Not even under the threat of torture or death would he EVER admit to it. But he was scared. He was frightened. He was incredibly comfortable......... and not from that horrific sight mind you, but from the way she just fit into his arms. Ah yes. It was frightening for him, and it scared him that he could even feel this way again. (Yes, I did say again......... That is such a BIG hint right there. Did you get the hint? 'Cause it was there! AGAIN!!! See that? That was the hint.)

Feeling something shift in his arms, Jack looked down to see Samantha's head turned toward the hole in the wall. She screamed again. He was going to go deaf if she didn't stop that soon! He looked to the hole again and wondered –Why? Oh, WHY did I ever allow something like this to occur while under my leadership?! How could I not have known?! If I could go back in time to change it all......... I would. Without a doubt, I would.- Finally coming to his senses, Jack quickly backed them both out of the room before letting her go.

Samantha pulled away with a haunted look in her eyes, then shook her head to try and get rid of it before tucking a strand of her beautiful long blonde hair behind her ear.

–_Beautiful where have you been all my life..._- thought Jack, -wait a minute where'd that come from. She's married you dufus. _Was married, note the 'was'. _Yeah but her husband just died, she has a kid, AND she'd never go for a guy like me. _A guy like you, you mean she'd never go for 'you'. Now me, who just happens to be our better half. She could go for me..._-

What will happen next? Will Jack and Samantha ever recover from the "horrifying" sight? What WAS the "horrifying" sight? And will Jack ever admit that he feels comfortable with Samantha in his arms? ......... I should hope so!

The Perfect Chicken: If you give me pie, I'll make Mallovorwen update faster.


	4. Teal'c you sing?

Chapter 4

A/N: finally there is more, but I'm not if sure if I'm willing to put you out of your misery just yet and tell you... MWAHAHA

---------

Last Time...

–_Beautiful where have you been all my life..._- thought Jack, -wait a minute where'd that come from. She's married you dufus. _Was married, note the 'was'. _Yeah but her husband just died, she has a kid, AND she'd never go for a guy like me. _A guy like you, you mean she'd never go for 'you'. Now me, who just happens to be our better half. She could go for me..._-

---------

Now...

"I NEVER wanna see anything like that again!" exclaimed Samantha with finality. The thought of watching Gerdy, as 'attractive' as he was, shave his legs again was truly terrifying.

"You can say that again," responded Jack, "I assure you it will be taken care of."

"It had better be or there's no way I'm staying here, whether you 'need' me or not. By the way you never have told me why I'm here."

"Ah, yes. That. Well, I have a meeting planned for that later. I figured you'd want to get settled first." He explained, when she nodded he continued. "Then I'll have Teal'c show you to your rooms."

"GOON!!!" yelled Jack. Teal'c walked around the corner quickly as if he'd just been waiting for him to call. "Take her to her rooms," he commanded.

"Yes Masta, _what a horrible thing to do, what a horrible thing to do, thing to do..._1" he said breaking off into song at the as he led her and Daniel away down the corridor. So to get him to stop singing she hit him.

SLAP

"_it burns, it burns, like a flame melting wax,_2 ," her brain not use to the horrible sound tried to shut it out, but there was nothing that she could do unless she fainted. So she did. As she fell to the floor she dropped Daniel, who was saved as Jack dove to save them from a horrible headache or broke limbs in the aftermath, inevitably, creating a little jack sandwich (baby on mommy on Jack......... The Perfect Chicken: I wish that I could have been apart of that!!! Without the baby and mommy, though......... That could be considered 'uncomfortable'). He rolled to his side taking a deep breath to regain the one he'd lost upon impact. While Samantha, being the first to come to her senses, quickly sat up and slapped him.

SLAP

"How dare you try and take advantage of me!" she nearly shouted, not realizing that they had a small audience. She picked up Daniel and stormed down the hallway and turned right back around. "Where is my room," she demanded, not asked, demanded

Teal'c promptly danced to her side and instructed her in a sing-song voice, "_Right this way_._3_" Samantha pushed back the urge to faint by slapping him so that he might get the hint and shut up.........

SLAP

He didn't. "_OUCH!!! The pain! Oh! How I wish that thou might never do that again.4_"

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A/N: 1- if you haven't seen rock-a-doodle you won't get it, but if you have it's the owls (disclaimer: I don't own that either)

2-4 slightly original compilations by The Perfect Chicken (disclaimer: which I also don't own. She does, but I'm sure it wouldn't take much to have her give up claim to it)


	5. Bounce

Chapter 5

A/N: sry it took so long lots of homework and projects and stuff. Don't they know we have better things to do that schoolwork.

Warning: as always lots of AU and OOCness _danger_

The Perfect Chicken: You know the rules, give me pie! Many a pie, please. For if you do not give me pie, I will have to get my own pie and that won't be happiness, 'cause I'm broke. Now pie I like give it, please. I beg. Thank you. Pie. Now. Thank you. Yes. Indeed.

--------

Last time...

Teal'c promptly danced to her side and instructed her in a sing-song voice, "_Right this way_._3_" Samantha pushed back the urge to faint by slapping him so that he might get the hint and shut up.........

SLAP

He didn't. "_OUCH!!! The pain! Oh! How I wish that thou might never do that again.4_"

--------

Now...

Daniel took a deep breath. –Relax,- he instructed himself. –It's just Mom......... and that god-forsaken 'boss' of hers-.

Whilst preparing to step through the portal before him, Daniel could never have known what awaited him on the other side. But even if he had, he could've never have prepared for it.

---------

Meanwhile...

In the destroyed lab and bathroom amongst the rubble there was a shimmering purple spot near the wall that had yet to be noticed. It wouldn't be long, though, until their soon-to-be visitor from the future revealed it to them in a most distinguishing manner.

---------

Later at Sam's Quarters...

-knock knock-

Samantha went and opened the door only to find that it was Teal'c, singing. She then promptly slammed the door in his face, while he sang, _its time to go...1 _in an opera type voice.

O'Neill who had watched this exchange from around the corner, now came out and said  
"I'll handle this, Goon. Go and set up the briefing room."

"Yes, Masta," replied Teal'c before turning and strolling towards the briefing room singing happily to himself.

-knock knock-

"I thought it was clear when I slammed the door that I wanted you to go away!" she said ending with opening the door and glaring at him but then her gaze softened when she realized who it was. "Oh you... what do you want?"

But he couldn't reply just yet as he found himself mesmerized by what she was wearing. –Get a hold of yourself man, she waiting for an answer. _Yea, yea, yea can't you just let me enjoy the view for once. _No, now focus, 'bounce'2.- he thought.

"Um... yes well I was just coming to get you for the briefing and to tell you one of the nurses has volunteered to take care of Daniel for you." Jack said finally regaining his speech control, -_maybe I can get a pic of her like this from security...- _he wondered, ­_­_-uh no. _Spoil sport.- _

"Ok sure just tell me where to drop Daniel and I'll be right there." she responded.

"Well mademoiselle if you would follow me..."

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A/N: 1-an original compellation by me, which you can have for a small fee. Hehe.

2-weird random comment from our chapel person from spiritual emphasis week so yeah I guess the concept of 'bounce' (which I don't care to explain at the moment but if you email me I will) belongs to him.

The Perfect Chicken: sigh If she will not explain the concept of 'bounce,' then I will. Ya know, when you're looking at the REALLY HOTT person, and your eyes immediately focus on an 'inappropriate' area? Well, if you do that then you're supposed to immediately look away. Ya know, like bounce, kinda thing? To explain it is difficult, but just go with it.


	6. Midgets

Chapter 6

A/N: sittin' here eatin' potato chips and listenin' to Toby Keith sing 'He Ain't Worth Missin'… great song by the way. Ya sry it took me so long to get this up but I was stumped for ideas and The Perfect Chicken isn't a very patient person and has gotten bored with it. So for now I'm on my own but we'll see.

Warning: usual.

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When we last left the shimmery spot…

Daniel took a deep breath. –Relax,- he instructed himself. –It's just Mom……… and that god-forsaken 'boss' of hers-.

Whilst preparing to step through the portal before him, Daniel could never have known what awaited him on the other side. But even if he had, he could've never have prepared for it.

--------

Now…

As Daniel appeared on the other side of the portal he saw something that he had hoped to never see again… yes as young as he was that image had still been permanently imprinted upon his mind.

He held back a shriek as he quickly moved out of the room. He took a deep breath as he came out into the hall, quickly focusing back on his mission. If he had his timing right they should be reaching the briefing room just about now, so that's where he headed, bag in hand.

--------

Briefing Room…

When they got to the briefing room, after having dropped Daniel with Nurse Abigail, it was nothing like what Sam had been expecting. It was… it was… well for lack of a better word small, cramped even. The kind of place where a midget would perfectly, but if you put anyone else in there he would become very cranky and bite at them.

She cleared her throat loudly, "we're going in there?" she asked in disbelief. He simply turned and raised an eyebrow at her questioningly, before gesturing her in ahead of him.

He watched her move cautiously into the room and waited patiently for her to disappear before following.

---------

On The Other Side…

"That… was… cold…" she said chattering, arms wrapped around herself, in the big comfy chair whatever had transported her there had landed her in. She turned towards him glaring…

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A/N: yes, yes I know its short but there will be more… that is if you want it. And I'm not telepathic so if you want your going to have to tell me through reviews not channeled thoughts (Samantha are you listening? And no your claim of telepathy does not make up for my lack of it, so…)


	7. More Midgets & Gilgamorts!

Chapter 7

Warning: usual.

* * *

Last Time…

"That… was… cold…" she said chattering, arms wrapped around herself, in the big comfy chair whatever had transported her there had landed her in. She turned towards him glaring…

* * *

Now…

"Oh did I forget to tell you about that…" an evil grin spread across his face, "sorry."

SLAP

"You know I think you may have anger issues." He stated knowingly.

She put on an innocent look "me, anger issues, never."

This room was a slightly bigger midgit sized room, as it had chairs in it. But the chairs didn't help much as they took up space that could've been better used had they simply sat on the floor.

Just at that moment Teal'c (aka. Goon) burst into the room fearfully singing. "_The Gilgamorts have come, the Gilgamorts have come! Save me, Save me!"_

"GOON!" Jack ground out. "Get. Out. Now."

"_ But-but, Sir! The Gilgamorts have come!" _he sang ending on a drastically high note.

"Yes, we heard you the first time." He said looking at him pointedly.

I don't think he got the point-

_-I don't think he got the point- _they both thought/sang at the same time.

There was a huge earth shaking crash as the wall in the hallway fell, a purple blob emerged through the rubble.

* * *

The Perfect Chicken: I have nothing to say to you people. Just give me what I want and nobody will get hurt!

Mallovorwen: They don't know what you want. –rolls eyes patiently-

The Perfect Chicken: Then tell them… -sticks out tongue-

Mallovorwen: ok then… um she accepts pie, cheesecake, chinese food, and pina coladas… um she also will accept anything chocolate.

The Perfect Chicken: Indeed.

Shout outs…

Thaz niceaccepts pie and hands it to The Perfect Chicken who squeals excitedly- thank you it is much appreciated. –The Perfect Chicken mumbles _mm is good_-

SawCyn-WroteSin- glad you like it. I'll try to keep it interesting


End file.
